Forgiveness Is For The Weak

Today is Sunday. It's the day that most people that go to church go to church. It's the day when many people pretend that they're believers in a higher power by doing something to prove it to the rest of the world. In today's attempt at proving I'm a believer, I made my showing. We learned about forgiveness--a very common principle in...well...every belief system that I'm aware of.

Let's discuss forgiveness for a bit. Forgiveness is a word that is used to make everyone feel better about themselves. It's a title. A status. Something people throw around to let everyone know that they've arrived at something, or something that someone else should arrive at. "[I'm such a good Christian because] I've forgiven John for the offense he caused me." Or, "God says we should forgive all men. Perhaps you should search your heart, the scriptures, whatever, and find it in your heart to forgive [me | him | your fellow man]."

But that doesn't really define forgiveness. Frankly I don't know that I would be able to define it anymore. Oh, you could look it up in the dictionary and find that it's understood to deal with someone who has been offended giving up those feelings of offense. People, religions, and psychology--even accountants--find value in forgiveness. And why shouldn't they? What a healthy thing it is to do! And what a farce!

We were commanded (or otherwise taught) that we are to forgive everyone. But who do we think we are to have taken offense in the first place!? Are we so weak, so selfish, so alone in our little worlds that we actually take offense at things people do? Well, of course we are. So teaches culture. So teaches ego. So teaches conceit, pride, arrogance, and ignorance.

Why am I being so harsh on everyone (yes, folks, even myself)? Because I had an epiphany today, though to limit the time span in the evolution of this manifestation to just today would be foolish and cheapen its sources. It's an epiphany that started when I married my wife. Or more exactly, when events in my life that would not have happened hadn't I married my wife happened. ...if you followed that. And let's not forget the philosophical training I've been receiving for the past 10 years in my martial arts system.

Without going much into long, boring details, let me summarize by saying I used to be all for the harshest possible treatment of anyone doing anything damaging to anyone--especially the innocent. Murderer? Death penalty. Rapist? Death penalty and/or torture. Child molester? Torture, then death penalty. Why? Because those offenses are...well...offensive! Such acts offend me, they offend the victims, they offend society, therefore, the offenders are no longer in possession of their rights to live.

Enter recent events. Someone very close to my family is arrested for intending to meet with a 13-year-old that happened to be a cop. Imagine my shock. This man who was doing everything he could to make his life and others' lives better--a man who has literally saved countless lives--is guilty of...well...I don't know what. Intending to do something offensive. After a couple other things he was busted for he committed suicide. Wow. Another horrid sin. Or was it?

Another event: someone very close to my family is arrested and accused of molesting children. The man was an elementary school teacher. He was the best teacher I've ever seen (and I'm sure he still is). My boy was taken quite aback when his favorite teacher was arrested. Nonetheless, before he knew his favorite teacher had been arrested, we very carefully questioned my boy so as not to implant any ideas into his head to find out if he'd ever been violated by him. Thank goodness, it appears that he was spared that situation. And now that my boy knows about his teacher's arrest, he wants to do everything he can to help his teacher. He asks if he can still teach. He asks if he writes a letter to the judge and gets all his friends to do that same if the judge will let my boy's favorite teacher out to teach again.

Let me just say, I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have a wife--and because of her, a boy, too--who, by example, teaches me the true meaning of...well...not forgiveness, because it's something deeper than forgiveness; something far more pure; something far simpler. I also have the best martial arts system on the planet teaching me other great philosophies that obviate the ever-more-complex tenets of religion and religious phrases.

This friend that committed suicide did so fully sane, fully conscious, fully aware of what he was doing. It was a decision he'd made. He made it to save everyone--everyone--the pain that was sure to follow his arrests; the court proceedings, the convictions, etc. Is he going to hell? How the hell do we know!? And yet talk to just about any Christian and they'll say, "Hell yes!" Or a variation thereof.

Philosophical question: how can we claim to know where he is? Most importantly: why does it matter? A good man is dead. A good man with a few problems, true; a good man who affected others through bad choices and actions. Did it require his death? I don't think so. (I'll get to why, shortly.)

This teacher--this excellent teacher--is now on his sure way to prison, quite possibly to face the same abuse--or worse--as he inflicted on his alleged victims. (That's not that I doubt that he did it. Whether he did it or not is irrelevant to this post.) I used to think that a beautiful expression of poetic justice. No more, though. No more.

Another philosophical question: should this teacher that gave my boy a love of learning and an education that from all appearances seems second-to-none have no more opportunity to give the gifts he's capable of giving because of bad choices and actions? I don't think so.

As my wife and I questioned our boy about his teacher, after we'd broken the news of his arrest and the accusations against him, my wife said, "Now, this does not change the fact that he was a wonderful teacher. He will always be a wonderful teacher. You're going to hear a lot of bad stuff about him, and whether it's true or not, it will not change the fact that he was a great teacher." I was stunned. What a perfect example of...dang...what's the word? Response? Empowerment? Charity? I really don't know.

Thanks to those statements made by my wife, I was suddenly able to put to words a philosophy that I've been taught for the 10 years I've been in this martial art system. Here it is in a nutshell. You can not change the person. You can not change what the person has done. You can not change the past. And, quite frankly, if you have to forgive someone, you already made a mistake--and to put it more harshly as gotten from this martial system--you already made a stupid decision. You chose to be offended. And now you must choose to "forgive." You must choose to put yourself through the "pain" and "difficulty" of this miracle of forgiveness. Yet there is no reason to forgive and--for those who continue to use this useless word--you realize that forgiveness is absolutely effortless if you remember this simple idea: people will make stupid decisions that hurt others; they will make decisions that hurt you--yes, you--and there is nothing you can do about it...except what you do about it! Change your behavior to prevent further "offense".

Let me explain. If someone does something to you...say...steals some money, what do you do? Do you punish them? How do you punish them? Are you in authority over them such that you are morally responsible for the meting out of their punishment? I don't think so. So what are we left with? We are left with doing something to prevent further offense. If it's a friend who stole from us, we no longer allow that friend over. If it was a burglar, we secure our belongings better. If it was our teenage daughter who wanted beer money, we secure our belongings better, and enact certain behavioral restrictions so she no longer has access to our cash. Granted she'll find another source, but she has her freedom of choice, and we can only do what we can do.

Let's take a nastier example. A teacher molests children. An exemplary teacher molests children. Should this teacher no longer have contact with students? Knee-jerk reaction: hell no! Wrong! The teacher should no longer have physical contact with students. The offense dealt with physical contact. The offense does not change the effectiveness of the teacher's other attributes: his incredible ability to teach. Still leverage the teacher's gifts, just eliminate the possibility of further offense.

And now let's apply it to our suicide victim. A man uses the internet to possibly act on an apparent intention to do something offensive. Should this man no longer have opportunity to save others' lives? Should this man lose his life or his freedom? Knee-jerk reaction: of course! Wrong! This man should have the tools and methods of the intended offense removed from him. Take away his internet. Take away his access to being with children unattended. (As a parent, after the arrests were made I changed my behavior. I still visited him--I was even okay with my kids visiting him--but only under my direct supervision. Through how I changed my behavior to deal with his behavior, I eliminated the opportunity for further offense.) Don't take away his life! Do something to help everyone stay safe!

It's easy: address the behavior not the person.

Taking the heads of offenders is a reactionary response. It is not a rational response. Changing behavior in response to behavior is not only rational, it's moral.

If my child had indeed been victimized I acknowledge the real possibility that I would very likely feel differently and be struggling with "forgiveness". I am wholly grateful that these philosophies have come to me now. Who knows but I may be "tested" in them, but as always (and another mantra in my martial system), you can only deal with the problems that present themselves.

In church today, a parent of another child that was a student of this offending teacher asked how he can forgive the teacher. The answer is simple: acknowledge that people are stupid and they do stupid things, so all you can do is act response-able-y (yes, another piece from my martial arts classes).

Another question and answer was posed: I want to know why it happened; we just need to acknowledge it happened for a reason, even if we don't know the reason. I say, BULL. There is no reason. There is no cause. There is no lesson. There are only bad things that happen to good people, and there is only what we choose to do in response.

Last statement that almost brought me from my seat: it's just not fair that we have to change ourselves in response to others' actions. My response: boo-freakin'-hoo. As I tell my kids, there is no such thing as fairness. Fair is an illusion. Fair is an expectation that the selfish and self-centered put on others. You have what you have. What happened has happened. Deal with it and move on.

Why is forgiveness for the weak? We were given that "commandment" because of our arrogance, our conceit, our selfishness in choosing to be offended, in believing that we are above any poor treatment, that we are above each other and should therefore be granted particular rights. We are so weak that we had to be given a word that our tiny minds could relate to to help ourselves feel better about getting over what should not have been an issue in the first place.

Let us all be the human beings I believe we are capable of being. Let's acknowledge that we all make stupid decisions and do stupid things (including being offended at...well...anything), and yet we all also have qualities invaluable to a community. Let's excise or quarantine the damaging behaviors of one another through purposeful action, purposeful response, and allow our beneficial qualities to flourish. We don't need to forgive because there is only stimulus and response; there is only bad behavior and responsive behavior; there is only a human's faults and a human's strengths.